The third man is good

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First impressions of Rachel are blonde, blue-eyed and a perfect body. Anyone would think she was HOT! But no, not all is flawless on Rachel’s body, Rachel’s little finger is the most pathetic, withered away excuse for a finger we have ever seen. Unfortunately for the other competing females around, this is the only fault we could find in Rachel’s immaculate image. You would think that Rachel has dedicated much of her grown life to working out in the gym, and running laps of the tan. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It is true Rachel “Freeman” De Campo used to ace the hurdles, bound down the 100m track and spring around on the gym mat. And during summer her and I played tennis and when it got over 5 degrees Rachel or David would whip out the wet hankies to tie around her neck and head. Which was a really great look, considering the Melbourne players used to regularly run past and glimpse in our direction. I think it is safe to say that the only thing that Rachel would sprint for now is a sausage roll, or a piece of ass.


In the last couple of years, Rach has lifted her physical levels. Now visiting the gym on a regular basis, although you can tell when she’s been as she is still limping two days later. With a dilemma on her hands, Rach has been forced to find a less strenuous sport � skiing. To any ordinary skier, a full day of skiing is actually quite tiring. Rach overcomes this however buy shortening the amount of actual skiing done. A typical day at the snow for Rach would consist of a max of hrs skiing, min of 8-hrs drinking and the rest consists of sleeping and sipping cups of tea. These holidays don’t however come without their demands � Amber’s Letter


Unlike other sports this in particular also involves a lot of Rach’s other hobby � perving. There are numerous opportunities for some action, and it usually starts on the way up, checking out the other passengers, while you pretend to be asleep! Rachel’s motto for the week “Rampant by night, disguised by day”. Much of our hrs skiing takes place at the caf� at the bottom of the Heavenly chair admiring the scenery, in particular the scenery that is about 6 foot tall, 80 kilos, with a tanned face and a killer smile (a foreign accent is also an added bonus). Rach is willing to do anything to get their attention, woof-whistle, laugh really loud at absolutely nothing, or even resort to gracefully falling over helplessly in front gorgeous Austrian ski instructor, dressed in those hot red numbers. This charm did work one year, but the lucky boy didn’t quite resemble the stunning Austrian instructor she has been longing for all these years (but more about him later).


The later years have bought about a new strategy for picking up at Hotham/Falls Creek. This I think is a little less subtle. It involves a pair of barely there bikinis (that leave little to a deprived uni boys imagination) and a spa or sauna depending on the mood. Rachel is so determined to impress, that % of the time she returns with wrinkles covering her body. The only time I remember she may have returned early was when, the lights in the sauna mysteriously went out, and let’s just say hands began to wander. And those hands were the hands of none other than Grant the hottie surfer, who swept Rachel off her feet, and then freaked her out, when a police card dropped out of his bag one night in our apartment, with no explanation. Of course, being Rachel, she used her logic rationale are concluded that he was an axe murderer. This was the end of a quick holiday fling.


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It was times like Hotham that we really found out what Rachel’s culinary skills were like. Normally her favourite meals to cook are ones, which are pre-prepared � preferably pre-washed, pre-chopped and pre-cooked. Basically made by someone else. Among her favourites are White Wings Create-a-meal, and her “Special” fried rice. Anyone that knows Rachel would know that she never ventures anywhere without her trusty collection of snacks Le Snacks and Fruits of the Forrest muesli bars.


This absolute obsession with food was no more evident than on the late night dashes to the 4-hr bakery in Byron Bay. Every night at around 1 o’clock, Rachel’s mouth began to drool as she craved a piping hot, 0cm chunk of meat . . . . . . . that’s right a sausage roll, smothered in tomato sauce. This allowed her to refuel before a big night at Cheekys or Coco Mungo’s.


Although there was plenty of food for Rachel to indulge in, a beach destination isn’t perhaps the ideal holiday for someone with ghostly white skin such as Rachel. For those who don’t know Rachel’s earlier years, when she had not discovered fake tan or even the solarium we have some photo evidence. Years of dedication and persistence have results in pearl white silky smooth skin. While the rest of us are baking with not an inch of sunscreen on, Rachel is sprawled out in the shade quivering away from the sun. If there is no shade, layers and layers of 0+ are used. The one time she does not apply is when she goes out at night, and she paid for this one night at Saratoga. When the next morning she turned up at my place with bright red cheeks, the UV lights seriously burned her!





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